End of 2012

"It's a dangerous business, going out your front door." -Fellowship of the Ring, J.R.R. Tolkien

“It’s a dangerous business, going out your front door.” -Fellowship of the Ring, J.R.R. Tolkien

We saw the end of 2012 without an official apocalypse. I keep expecting Washington to collapse any second now. However, I imagine that particular apocalypse is going to be a slow, painful death, so in the meantime, we’re alive.

But 2012 wasn’t all bad, not by a long shot.

For one thing, January marked the end of my seven-year major depressive episode. My depression isn’t gone, not by a long shot. At best, it’s simply dormant. But it’s amazing how much more awake and alive I feel without that dementor feeding on my soul.

On the other hand, with my depression sleeping, anxiety decided to take its place, and I’ve had a few major flare-ups of that, sometimes crossing over into outright paranoia and delusion, which was the very picture of Not Fun. I have no way of knowing when they’re going to happen or to prepare for them, so that’s a different kind of scary.

I wrote two novels, one of which is quite long and ambitious, given that it’s the start of a series. At the beginning of the year, I promised myself that I would accomplish these projects, that all I needed to do in order to get the stories in my head written was to commit to write them. And that’s what I did. I established a flexible schedule and maintained rigorous discipline, sometimes at the expense of fun things I wanted to do, because I thought the writing was worth it. And whether these books get published or not, it was totally worth it.

I’ve had a few good friends over the last few years, but this was the first year since high school I became a part of a group based on common interest rather than solely by proximity. This was a promising social development on my introverted part. With some a craft party and some girls’ nights (the latter which introduced me to martinis), my social calendar was probably the busiest it had been since middle school.

I let my diva flag fly high and hit a high C in an R&B song at my summer vocal showcase performance. I don’t let the diva out all the time because I assume I’m obnoxious and neurotic when I do. But I let her out of the cage for a little while, and it felt good. No, you don’t get to see it.

I introduced myself to the writing of Seanan McGuire (and her alter ego, Mira Grant) and Cherie Priest, who I’d been following on Livejournal for a while. I’m officially and unashamedly hooked and feel like I’m in good company.

While my taste in music is eclectic (and sometimes, I say, nonexistent), I discovered this year that I do, in fact, have a preference. And it’s about time. I love gothic/operatic/classical metal and industrial. Artists that speak to me: Emilie Autumn (VIP), Tristania, Inkubus Sukkubus, Kamelot, Nightwish, Within Temptation, Evanescence. Basically, music that sounds like it comes from the fantasy and horror genres. Shocker, I know.

I bought a pair of boots, which is a next-to-impossible endeavor for me at the best of times.

I successfully passed out of the 180wpm speed level in court reporting school, which means I’m starting the 200wpm speed level any day now.

During the year, I worked as a part-time data entry independent contractor, but I left the job by the end of the year. It gave me a modest PT income and regular human interaction, but it got in the way of giving my full focus to school.

On my birthday, I officially became too old to still be covered under my father’s family insurance, so now I get to see firsthand how I deal with somatization and minimal health insurance. Yay. I really try to control it, I do. And sometimes I put myself in more danger by attempting to ignore what I perceive to be psychosomatic symptoms. It’s going to get me into trouble, but the question is whether something real or something false is going to get me into more trouble first.

And I managed not to freak out too much about the apocalypse. I maintained my routines, tried to joke about it, and proceeded as if it was not going to happen, even if the horrible possibilities lingered in the back of my mind. The fears are still there, but at least I don’t feel like this world’s days are numbered so soon.

So that’s 2012 in my humble life (not even going to talk about the election, just … no). I’m hoping 2013 gets even better. I’m hoping I see faster improvement in school and that my novel edits and queries lead to an agent. I hope my next two novels are as solid as the last. I’m hoping I build better friendships (and learn how) and maybe make a few new ones.

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2 Responses to End of 2012

  1. It seems like you had such a productive year! I like how you said that the writing was worth it, even if it got in the way of some other things and may never get published. I need to get a little bit of that discipline back. I end up finding some things that I enjoy temporarily, and put writing on the backburner to indulge in the new things. Then I fall out of my good routines, which makes it very inspiring to read this. And I like how much control you have over your inner diva, that is a cool talent! Happy new year 🙂

    • It’s good to have breaks now and then, but I’ve found that it is literally impossible to do everything I want to do. I would *like* to read graphic novels and play video games, but I need sleep. I would like to go see movies, but I have a writing quota to meet. I have to make time for the things I value more at that time, and I decided writing was worth it. And given how much better of a human being I am when I write regularly, it was probably a good decision. 🙂

      Have some encouragement in the new year! 🙂

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